2009 in Retrospect

I sit and think how about a year ago I was on Aftershock and sitting around my house depressed and teary eyed fresh off of a DUI charge and considering quitting paintball. I was considering quitting because my life was legally and financially upside down, and I was getting sick and tired of the same old run around. I was pouring my heart, soul and bank account into being the best player that I could be, but I was consistently packing my shit early and watching Sunday from the bleachers. Several seasons of that same old monotonous trend will snuff out the flame to compete and the passionate pursuit of greatness real fast.

Then I started thinking about sitting all of my brothers down at an Applebee’s after a random off season reunion style grind session. At that point we all represented about 3 or 4 teams collectively. I remember telling them all that we had an opportunity to all play Pro together in this new 7 man league. I prefaced all of them with the fact that it was going to be the roughest season of their lives between lack of industry support, haters galore and the fact that we were building a brand new pro team with about 60 days to secure all sponsorship and practice. I asked who all was in and not one of them hesitated.

I think about those 60 days we had to get our shit together. I can recall a stress and pressure level like I’ve never felt in my life. Everyday that I woke up and looked in the mirror, I knew that some how some way we had to find the money for this team to exist. I couldn’t stand the thought of making a mockery of myself or any of my teammates when they all went crawling back to the teams they quit to play for Mutiny if we didn’t secure sponsorship ASAP.

I remember shaking in my boots from monster sized butterflies before our first game ever as a team in HB. I also remember the incredible level of embarrassment and anger I felt after my parents showed up to that event (first time ever) to surprise and support me. I remember putting my shades on and a hoody after the prelims, and walking out in the parking lot by myself to cry my eyes out because I poured my entire existence into the team. And what I got out of it: an event where my gun worked about 25% of the time I played, a sickening performance on our virgin run in front of the entire paintball world as well as my parents, and a mean ass wake up call. That wake up call was a reminder that I was climbing a mountain about 10x as tall as I thought it was.

I think about the rental mini van we pushed to SC Village and back, the practice in DC we caravanned to, the DC event we drove back to again, round trip drives to Vegas and the shitty team meetings plagued with frustration and bitching. Then there were the days and days of phone calls and emails and the struggle to keep a group of guys happy and satisfied with the toughest challenge they had all ever embarked on.

And what I realized from all of it was this: Nothing in my entire life could ever replace the satisfaction and the memories of 2009. Never in my life have I been so scared of failing, so overwhelmed with responsibility and stress, so behind the 8 ball, so rooted against, so responsible for so many other players well being – so god damned electrically alive.

Indianapolis Mutiny was the best thing that ever happened to me. My life will never be the same again because of this team. There is no greater feeling on Earth than taking a risk that everyone tells you won’t work and stubbornly following your dream until one day you stop and look in the mirror. I’m talking about that same mirror you were peering into soggy eyed one year earlier when the going got real tough and you considered quitting the game that was your life. Instead, you’re half in the bag and staring in the mirror of the mens’ bathroom at the VooDoo Lounge in Las Vegas. This is of course just before you stroll back out on the roof to get even more hyphy with the hardest group of motherfuckers you ever knew.

This is only the beginning.